I have a vulnerability hangover, yall.

I don't usually talk about myself in my emails, and to be honest, I was really nervous to hit send on my last one.

If you haven't read it yet, you can do so here.

In that email, we explored my past pursuing behaviours in relationships, created by my own childhood trauma.

But this week, I want to shed light on the other side of this dance: my partner's experience as the withdrawer.

Let's pick up where we left off in that living room in 2016, surrounded by travel brochures and unmet expectations...

As the tension mounted, my partner grew defensive. "I don't understand why you're making such a big deal out of this," he said, his voice tight.

"I said thank you, didn't I? What more do you want from me?"

I watched as he shut down and met me with silence. In that moment, all I could feel was my own pain and rejection.

But here's what I didn't see back then: him shutting down was just as much a trauma response as my pursuing.

You see, my partner grew up in a household where emotions were dangerous. Showing too much emotion led to criticism. Expressing disappointment or hurt resulted in punishment. Even his achievements were never good enough.

This is a common childhood reality for most withdrawers. They often hear things like:

• "Stop crying. You're too old for that."
• "I don't want to hear it; you brought this on yourself"
• "Why are you so upset? It's not a big deal."
• "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about."
• *gets sent to bedroom to "calm down"*

Basically, with no one to tell them it is okay to feel sad or scared, the withdrawers' body does the smartest thing possible: it simply tucks those emotions away.

In fact, some withdrawers become so good at this that they actually convince themselves they don't even have feelings. They often show up in my office saying, "No Morgan, I never pushed down my emotions; I just never really had them in the first place."

But if that were true, they wouldn't need to:

• Minimize their partner's feelings ("You're overreacting")
• Defend their actions ("I didn't do anything wrong")
• Shut down and disengage

These are just some of the various ways the withdrawer protects themselves. Their subconscious believes: "If I can make these feelings disappear, I won't have to face the pain and vulnerability that terrified me before."

Making matters even WORSE? The withdrawer's response naturally pushes ALL the wrong buttons for pursuers.

Since pursuers learn early in life that others may abandon them or view them as too much, seeing their partner walk away, shut down, or become defensive just reinforces all of their deepest fears.

But here's the good news: once you recognize the pattern, you can absolutely change it.

Not only was that the reality in my personal life, but I guide couples and childhood trauma survivors to this truth everyday in my coaching and therapy practice.

If there is one thing I want you to take away from this email today, it's this: your relationship isn't broken, and your partner isn't the problem.

The real issue is how trauma blurs both your lenses, causing you to replay past hurts and communicate from a place of childhood fear.

We'll talk more about this, including strategies to break free from these cycles, during my free webinar on September 9th. I'll also give you a sneak peek into my upcoming live program, "How to Love After Childhood Trauma: LIVE."​

To get a head start on your relationship healing, here's your homework for this week:

For withdrawers: Notice one moment in the past week when you felt the urge to shut down. What specifically triggered it? Go underneath the surface just a tiny bit to identify the belief or feeling.

For pursuers: Identify one instance where you felt the need to push for a response. What were you really seeking?

If you're comfortable with it, reply to me with your insights - I'd love to hear from you!

Here's to healing and creating the relationships we deserve! (And stay tuned for the next email!)

Morgan

P.S. Being on this email list means you're already registered for the free webinar on September 9th. I can't wait to see you there!