It’s the Summer of 2016.

For months, I'd been orchestrating the perfect birthday surprise for my partner: a weekend in New York, meticulously planned with his favorite activities.

The day arrived, and I could barely contain my excitement. I led him to the living room, where I'd arranged a display of brochures, tickets, and a lovingly crafted itinerary.

"Surprise! We're off to New York this weekend! I've got it all planned - your favourite pizzeria, tickets to that show you love, even the boat tour you've always talked about!"

His reaction? A fleeting glance, a small smile.

"Thanks, love. This is great," he said, his tone as casual as if I'd just picked up his dry cleaning.

A quick peck on my cheek, and he was back to his phone and answering work emails.

In that moment, a familiar ache surged through me.

Invisibility. Inadequacy. ALLL the big stuff.

Suddenly, I was that child again, desperately seeking approval from an emotionally immature parent.

"Wow," I snapped, my voice sharp with hurt. "Just... wow. Do you ever appreciate anything I do?"

"Hold on, I—" he tried to interject.

But I was already spiraling. "No, you listen! This always happens. Remember last Christmas when..."

And there I was, in full pursuer mode.

As an adult child of an emotionally immature parent (ACEIP), I was primed for this dance. Any hint of perceived rejection would send me chasing, pleading: "See me, hear me, love me!" It's an exhausting rhythm, born from years of unmet emotional needs.

On the flip side of pursuing, some ACEIPs withdraw, building walls to protect themselves and shutting down during conflict.

Their mantra? "You can't hurt me if I don't let you close." It's a lonely existence, but feels safer than risking disappointment.

That day, I was the pursuer, desperately trying to extract acknowledgment and validation, anything to soothe that old, familiar ache.

I dredged up his past grievances, told him how ungrateful he was, and demonstrated a clear pattern of his past behaviours in order to justify my hurt.

What I couldn't see at that moment was the whole picture, including the way I was projecting years of my childhood trauma onto this singular moment in time.

Don't get me wrong, yes, my partner's reaction was 100% hurtful....short, distracted, and seemingly unappreciative.

But there was more to the story.

The trip I'd planned coincided with a crucial work commitment he'd just made at his new high stakes job. When he picked up his phone? He was frantically trying to get out of that work commitment, not wanting to disappoint me after all my effort.

But I didn't know that.

Because I didn't ask.

Nor did I pause to let him explain.

Instead, my trauma-tinted glasses only let me see neglect, rejection, and unworthiness.

That's the insidious nature of trauma. It narrows our vision, letting us see only what confirms our deepest fears.

And since childhood trauma shapes our future blueprints for love and self-worth, even small actions from our partners can trigger deep emotional responses.

The result? We assume, we react, and we project.

The good news is we can *absolutely* rewire these blueprints.

For pursuers, it means learning to pause before reacting.

...To ask questions, to challenge assumptions, and to recognize when we are superimposing our parents' behavior onto our partners’.

For the withdrawer? It means learning to stay present when overwhelmed, rather than retreating into work or silence.

...To articulate our struggles and needs, even if we feel like we are going to hurt or disappoint someone.

Recognizing the pattern you share with your partner is the crucial first step to building healthy, healing love after childhood trauma.

That's exactly why we will be exploring your trauma pattern in my free webinar on September 9th, where I'll also be sharing my top strategies and giving you a sneak peek into my upcoming live program, "How to Love After Childhood Trauma: LIVE."​

To get you ready for the webinar, here's your first homework:

I want you to become really curious about the reaction you have when you feel that familiar ache of invisibility or rejection creeping in from your partner.

Observe it without judgment.

Ask yourself: Am I the pursuer? Am I the withdrawer? What about my partner? Do we both switch at times?

(Reply to me with your answer so I can learn more about you!)

Notice what these feeling compel you to do, what stories they tell you about yourself or your partner.

Notice their childhood roots.

This awareness is ultimately the fruitful ground where healing love can take root and flourish.

That's all for today, but stay tuned for my next few emails where I will be sharing a bit more about conflict, communication, and the major mistakes you're likely making!

Morgan

P.S. If you're thinking, "This is exactly what I do," I want you to know you're not alone. Of all the times I've run this email series, this one has received the most sign-ups ever. So, welcome to the club!

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