Let’s talk about the real culprit in your relationship.

It’s not the mundane squabbles over chores, the deeper conflicts about emotional availability, or that time your partner was late to that important event.

The real issue? It's how today’s triggers set off yesterday’s old defense mechanisms—all because of how your nervous system is wired after trauma.

Take my experience, for example.

A decade ago, 90 Day Fiancé almost ended my relationship.

I was excited to share my latest TV obsession with my partner. But when he dismissed it with, “This seems ridiculous,” it felt like a punch to the gut.

Suddenly, excitement turned into hurt. My brain went into overdrive: “He doesn’t care about me.” “He thinks my ideas are stupid.”

Then it spiraled: “Why does no one care about my needs?”

So, I shut down. I promised myself I’d never share anything important with him again. Why would I? If it’s just going to hurt?

...Do you see how fast that happened? 👀

How one small, specific moment spiraled into “no one cares about me”?

This is what happens when old wounds get triggered. Instead of reacting to what’s happening now, you’re reacting to both the past and the present. And that’s a battle you’re bound to lose.

For trauma survivors, this process happens fast.

Your brain struggles to separate a present disagreement from a past threat.

So when something feels similar, those old emotional and physical reactions kick in. You fall back on what you know—shutting down, lashing out, withdrawing, or desperately seeking reassurance.

This is why the 'little' things never really get a 'little' reaction.

In reality, what we REALLY need is the ability to catch ourselves in the moment we’re triggered—and the skill to sit with that discomfort without diving headfirst into defense mode.

Take that 90 Day Fiancé moment, for example. What I needed was to acknowledge the hurt, show my body that I was safe so it would deactivate it's defense mode, and find a constructive, loving way to handle it.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Sure, that sounds great, but how?”

It all comes down to one thing: regulating your nervous system. Specifically, your ability to master self-regulation and co-regulation.

Self-regulation is about soothing the panic, calming the chaos, and showing your body that you’re safe now—not trapped in your childhood home.

Co-regulation? That’s finding that same calm, but with someone by your side—like your partner—so you don’t have to face it alone.

But here’s the thing: We’re not born knowing how to regulate; it’s something we’re taught. Your parents were supposed to model this for you. So if you had emotionally immature parents, it’s no wonder you’re struggling with this now!

(P.S. This is why two trauma survivors in a relationship can lead to a lot of pain—neither one has the tools to break the cycle, and it becomes even harder to find that calm and sense of connection you both desperately crave).

The great thing about regulating your nervous system is that it is easy once you have the skills.

As an example, here’s my favorite regulation skill that I use anytime, anywhere.

(Keep in mind that what works for some may not work for you, so do not panic if this specific skill doesn't do the trick, there are millions of ways to regulate!)

Truthfully, all of this is exactly why I created How to Love After Childhood Trauma: LIVE in the first place.

Until you have the tools to recognize when you’re panicking and can actually regulate your emotions, your nervous system is going to keep spotting threats everywhere, pushing you back into those old, painful defense mechanisms.

(Which triggers your partner's defenses, then triggers yours, then theirs again, then yours... and so on. You see where this is going!)

The next round of How to Love After Childhood Trauma: LIVE kicks off on September 25th and runs until December 11th.

This skills-based program dives deep into practical strategies for self-regulation, co-regulation, communication, fighting fair, and so much more.

If you know you are interested in joining me in How to Love: LIVE, you will want to get your name on the waitlist here. I do not know when I will be running it live again and spots are extremely limited as this has to be an intimate program.

I am going to be talking more about this during my free webinar on September 9th at 12:00pm EST, including my top strategies for having healthy love after trauma. Here is the zoom link! Click here at the time of the webinar. ​

In the meantime, here is your homework to get you ready:

Think back to a recent conflict or misunderstanding in your relationship.

Where did your nervous system see the threat?

Was it a specific word your partner said? Their tone of voice? Or maybe it was the action itself—like them walking away during an argument, forgetting something important to you, or not responding the way you expected?

Get as specific as you can.

Now, here’s the key question: How do you think a healthy nervous system would’ve responded?

Picture someone without a history of trauma—how do you think they would have reacted? Would they have felt the same level of threat?

If they would have, how do you think they would handled it?

Reply to me with your answers! You know I love to hear from you!

With so much love and gratitude,

Morgan

​